03 October 2014

Mount Rinjani: C'est Magnifique!

I bent over and grabbed my toes letting my hammies loosen and burn. I gave trekkers and the gods and the volcano a face full of butt. I didn't care. No fucks given. I had Rinjani to climb. No summit! 3726 meters of volcanic mean. I hit the groin too. Let'em see!

Unbeknownst to me a handful of Frenchies were leaning over their banana pancakes trying to ascertain my deal.

"He looks serious," Thomas said. (Translation: "What a dick.") 

"Do you think he's with us?" Julie asked.

Their group was 100% French...so far. They worried privately while I got loose. They must have known I was coming. They must have known I was American. Who but an American would rush a perfectly good meal just to moon the mountain?

Poor Frenchies...

The island of Lombok in Southern Indonesia is made up entirely of the stuff Rinjani spit out. Warm ocean waters crash onto black volcanic sand, jungles flourish atop lava beds hardened and buried, and in the center ending at some unknown point beyond a ring of clouds is the monster itself.

Lombok was my escape from Bali, and Rinjani was meant to cleanse me of its taint. I booked a three day, two night trek in Senggigi. I liked what I saw in pictures. I liked the idea of going from sea level to summit and back. I ignored the warnings.

In Senggigi I met several sets of trekkers limping away from the mountain. To a person they warned me that it would be a difficult climb. I dismissed them all. I decided that Senggigi had become infested with roving packs of weenies.

The trek started in a village called Senaru. The Frenchies finished their pancakes and we took a short ride to the trail head. We were an odd six-pack; Thomas, Julie and Oliver knew each other from University in Bordeaux. Thomas and Oliver having matriculated there from the French Antilles. Their French speaking allies were Anthony, a boxing/MMA coach and Ludivine a nice girl from I can't remember where--a lovely group of European travelers doomed to trek with a dude from California.

Our guide's name was A-sound + jibberish. He was a nice, somewhat quiet guy wearing worn out shoes and a Charlie Brown yellow t-shirt. He spoke with a rising inflection as if the volume was cranking itself.

The day was hot and humid, but both were nicely dimmed by the jungle canopy. Following the Charlie Brown beacon we climbed up and over steps carved from dirt and creeping roots. There were no flat sections to give moments of reprieve, it was all up up up, and we had six hours of up on the agenda.

Midway through we stopped for lunch. Everyone else stopped. I saw a sign that read "Waterfall 100 meters" and kept right on going. I do this. Ask anyone who has ever gone trekking with me. I'm the guy who goes pointlessly farther. I'm the guy who charges into the jungle with an imagined pith helmet and imagined machete. I stop just short of doing one-armed push-ups, because I'm faintly aware that my asshole vibe doesn't need any sprinkles of asshole.

In this case I got what I deserved. The waterfall was a rock wall ending in a pit full of garbage and the entire trail was littered with landmines--human poop landmines. The sign should have read "Deuce Drop Zone - Enter at your Own Risk." Stepping in a dog bomb is one thing, but the squish and stink of human doo doo that's just...that's just. I tried to avoid it. I really did. But no amount of dexterity could save me from poop spackled shoes.

Rinjani has a poop and garbage problem. There are no toilet facilities along the trail aside from a couple of unusable metal shacks with murder scene insides. And worse there is no plan in place to deal with the garbage generated by the thousands of tourists who visit every year. The long stretches of trail between porter camps are pristine, but the places people stop to rest have become mini landfills. The tourists, most of whom come from eco-conscious Western nations, are generally appalled by the situation and can be seen stuffing garbage into their backpacks to dispose of later. However, most of the garbage they generate is handled by the porters and the porters often add to the heap. Garbage with nowhere to go is a major problem in (from what I've seen) every corner of the developing world. And it is always an issue of education + simple solutions. The people paid to lug your gear up the mountain don't even have basic education, let alone environmental education. And even if environmentalism had been drilled into them since childhood, what are they supposed to do with all that trash? Give people (tourist or porter) the option to act responsibly and generally they will.

The Indonesian government collects millions of dollars a year in park fees, a few plastic bins marked "Recycle" wouldn't cost much. And they could get the tourists to clean up the mountain for them. I paid $140 for my three days, two nights package. If someone had said, "The guide, the food, everything is free, but you have to lug as much garbage as you can off the mountain." I would have said, "Done!" What traveler wouldn't? If the government sponsored one eco-trek per month the mountain would be clean.

Update: According to the internet, "62% of park entrance fees go to the Rinjani Ecotourism Trekking Program." Apparently I failed to notice that 62% of the garbage was red tape. 

Anyway, enough with the rant...

Up up up we went until the jungle canopy thinned out into nothing. With only dust and scrub brush to protect us it felt like the sun had a vendetta. I wanted to get the hike over with as quickly as possible, so I walked butt-sniffingly close to the guide until he got tired of my prodding and ushered me into the lead. I wrapped a silly scarf around my head not caring that I looked like a sexually ambiguous pirate and started moving fast; no breaks, no breathers. The view behind me was gorgeous, but I didn't give it much time. I stomped-up dust cloud after dust cloud until I reached the rim, and GOD DAMN!!

There was the caldera. I hadn't seen it coming. I had forgotten it was waiting. The image washed over me and took my weariness and intensity with it. I floated over to a rock and sat down to appreciate the splendor.

We set up camp with our backs to the caldera and watched the sun sink beneath an ocean of clouds. We imagined it setting farther still; beyond the dust and scrub brush, beyond the jungle canopy and rough cut steps, beyond Senaru and the black sand beaches of Sengigi, beyond the sea--shimmering its way around the curve.

The temperature dropped with the sun. We asked our guide if we could have a campfire and he said that we didn't need one because we were cooking with gas. We were too exhausted to explain that we wanted a fire because fires are awesome...and warm. So instead we inhaled plates of Nasi Goreng (fried rice) and hit the tents in pairs. Thomas and Julie (being a couple) had obvious first dibs. Ludivine chose me because I was the only boy who didn't admit to snoring. That left Anthony and Oliver, the two biggest dudes to share a tent. Poor guys. We might as well have wrapped the leftovers in plastic wrap.

Sunrise at the caldera. 5am. That was the plan. I woke up an hour before and stumbled out of the tent to find a sky gone mad with stars. It was freezing so I snagged my sleeping bag and bundled up. Our neighbors on either side were cooking breakfast over gorgeous flickering campfires. Envy prickled through me and I edged closer. I wanted to join them, but I couldn't find the gumption, so I sat in the shadows leering like a perv at a peepshow.

Day two was supposed to be the "easy" day; six hours of vertical V--down to the crater lake, past the hot springs and up to Camp Two, high above the caldera--our launching point for the summit.

The crater lake is called Segara Anak (Child of the Sea) and it is really something. The high walls of the caldera reflect off its shimmering surface; drawing you in, inviting you closer. After more than two hours of steep rocky trails we were all too happy to accept that invitation. We stripped down and waded into its icy waters. We whooped with joy and floated lazily with the blue sky stretching away. What peace! What serenity!

Stupid ass lobsters is what we were...
Rinjani doing its thing in '95

Rinjani is an active...no scratch that...VERY ACTIVE volcano. In 2010 it sent rock and ash nearly 20,000 feet into the sky. In 1995 it went into lava spewing nightmare mode. We should have been concerned that the ground might rumble and the water might boil, that the sky might darken and burn. We had no such concerns. We floated and frolicked, careless and unperturbed that we were in Mother Nature's crock pot and that she could turn up the heat at any moment. Fortunately, she didn't. So, we crawled out of that cauldron and straight into another.

The nearby hot springs are slimy primordial pools trimmed with enough stunning nature to seem beautiful. Our legs were sore and our feet were throbbing so we paid no mind to the dinosaur pee colored water and let it soothe what ailed us.

Afterward we pulled dusty socks over damp feet and laced up dusty shoes. We groaned at the sight of the up up up and began to ascend the backside of the V in a familiar formation; Thomas and myself up front with Julie and Anthony not far behind. Ludivine, still visible in the distance, making her way. And bringing up the rear, from a near but separate dimension called Island Time, was Oliver. Oliver who thought the porters were going to carry his backpack for him. Oh, Oliver.

We set up camp on a high plateau. Clouds packed the valley and then blew away just in time to reveal a bright yellow sun setting over the lake. A very smart Indonesian man had set up a tent at the top of the trail selling beer and snacks. We bought a bit of both and relaxed as best we could, but the shadow of the summit was both literally and figuratively upon us. We knew that we had to be up at 3am. We knew that we had to climb toward sunrise in the blackness of night. It didn't matter if we were ready. It was coming.

That night we finally got our campfire--a small but glorious thing. Trekkers from various groups gathered around to tell stories and crack jokes. A few of the porters joined in on the fun, including one of our own, a kid named Andy, whose catch phrase was, "Ketchup! Mayonnaise!" Thankfully, the celebration played louder than the horrendous Indonesian music crackling from a Hip-Hop Barbie speaker box. It was a grand time for a short while, but soon we settled into restless sleep. We had to.

You may be wondering how I was able to communicate with so many Frenchies around. The answer is good people. My companions went out of their way to speak English and in most cases fluently so. At times the conversations went French on me, and when they did (Thomas and Julie especially) were there to translate. I never felt left out, I got it, I understood, with one very important exception: Anthony's stories.

Anthony spoke English, but only at a conversational level, which was a great loss for me because he is obviously a seriously funny dude. I watched him tell stories with his entire body, all forty-two facial muscles playing their part, and his words, French words, were clearly delivered with perfect emphasis and perfect timing.

At one point I watched Anthony pull Oliver aside and tell him a story that had Oliver doubled-over with laughter. I asked Oliver about it later and he explained that Anthony saw an amazing balancing act by one of the porters. He was a little guy loaded down with 40 lbs of camping supplies and those supplies started to slide off. Most people would have thrown the supplies aside or crumbled to the ground beneath them. But, not our little porter. He simply jutted out the pinky toe on his left foot and shazaam, balance restored!

The translated version of this story is funny, but I didn't watch Anthony tell the story, I watched him perform it, so I imagine the original was much funnier. Nuance (French word btw) often gets lost in translation, especially the nuance of humor.

The summit...

I drew the zipper down and crawled out of the tent already feeling cold. I walked to the edge of a cliff and peed into obscurity. Across the plateau orange tents glowed like jack-o'-lanterns. I stuffed my sleeping bag into my backpack in preparation for the summit where temperatures were often below freezing, where my windbreaker would not keep me warm. I turned my back to the mountain and stretched out. Let Rinjani see!

The summit trail is no more than a few paces wide with 1000 meter drops on either side. We moved forward with slow careful steps. The stars were dim and we had only headlamps to light our way. I stayed close to A-sound + Jibberish; falling behind in all that darkness was a freakiness I didn't want to face. We were one of the first groups to set out, a few headlamps danced like fireflies ahead of us, but mostly it was nothing but dark and doom.

The higher we got the longer the line of lights behind us grew--a swishing phosphorescent tentacle. The ground beneath us was a mixture of lava rock and powdery soft ash. With every step our feet sank and slid backward. It took three steps to cover the distance it should have taken one. And with so much darkness there was no way to tell how far we had come or how far we had to go. This was by far the hardest part of the trek. My legs were weary and my patience cracking. More than a few, "Motherf----er!" shouts rang out.

Nearing the summit A-sound + Jibberish and I stopped to wait for the others. I was covered in sweat that was quickly hardening to beaded ice. I cocooned myself in my sleeping bag and leaned against a rock at the edge of the plummeting cliff. I ate chocolate cookies by the handful watching fireflies pass and the sun bring purpose to the pain.

We made our way to the summit without Ludivine and Oliver. It was too cold to wait any longer, and the end was so near, another 10 minutes of rock and sliding ash.

The sun rose higher and the fireflies became people overjoyed at their accomplishment. We crowded together, dozens of us, patient, exhausted and happy. Lombok lay below us in a 360 degree panorama. We could see how far we had come. We could see the Gili Islands leading away like giant black stepping stones. And in the distance Bali piercing the clouds with its own volcanic peak.

Ludivine and Oliver made it. I was so happy to see them, and so proud. We were all together, standing as close to the heavens as Indonesia gets.

From there we hiked straight to the bottom of the mountain; 3am - 3pm with a dead tired finish in Sembalun. We crammed into the back of a pick-up truck and whizzed away cramping and dehydrated. We were down from the mountain and still rolling forward. There were no goodbyes, no farewells. Ludivine changed her plans to keep us together. Anthony changed his plans to keep us together. And together we sailed for the Gili Islands.

We kept going. And someday we will go again.

Because the best travel stories have bookmarks not ends.

 Vous me manquez, Frenchies! Et je pense souvent a vous. Voyageons bientot!

11 August 2014

Bali Belly

In that moment between wake and sleep I felt the hot fire and I was wicked confused. Hangover? How? Then reality arrived and I realized it was so much worse. I duck-walked to the toilet with one hand on my belly and the other hovering over my already clenched butt—just in case. The steak sandwich I had put in the night before had become a frothing pot of black tar with only one way to go. I might have cried a little. Not because of the pain you understand, but because my iron gut, an eat anything from anywhere machine, had suffered a most heinous defeat at the hands of Bali Belly. And to think, I was excited to visit The Island of the Gods.

Sumatra had been one of the better travel experiences of my life; chilling on the shores of Lake Toba, adventures on Bawa, surfing in Sorake, an absolute all-timer. But I was starting to miss the backpacker crowd, I wanted to tip back a few and tell travel stories with my people. I chose Kuta Beach because that’s where the party is. I wish I could unchoose it.

Kuta Beach is the worst place I’ve ever visited, and that ain’t the hot poop talkin. When tourists find a place they like and locals start liking the tourist money there is always a chance that rot will set in. Kuta is rotten to the core. It is an absolute tragedy of tourism. The beach is unimpressive and littered with hawkers; hawkers renting surfboards, hawkers selling beer, hawkers selling bracelets. Go ahead and lay down on your towel little bunny, I’m sure they won’t notice. The rest of Kuta is cleverly designed as a labyrinth of stupid shit for sale. You can buy a t-shirt that says, “Sex burns as many calories as jogging. But, who the fuck jogs for 30 seconds!?” Or if that isn’t to your liking there are many art galleries selling gorgeous portraits of Biggie Smalls, Jordan and Scarface. If you work up an appetite you can always grab lunch at Subway, McDonald’s, KFC, Burger King, etc. And if your feet get tired, don’t worry, the unleashed beehive of motorbike taxis will take care of you. I’m not kidding about this tourism splooge being a labyrinth. There are no straight lines in Kuta, everything is a weave. I kept expecting David Bowie to pop out and fuck with me.

Now imagine how this place would look, smell, feel with a stomach full of hot tar. I was afraid that anything I ate would slide straight out, but I needed sustenance so I shuffled out looking for fresh fruit. I stopped at a corner stall selling rubbery pizza to ask for directions.

"Fruit? Far from here. Maybe forty minutes by walking."

"Forty minutes!? There must be something closer."

"Mmmm. No. You can take a taxi."

At this point a guy on a motorbike appeared out of nowhere. I looked at him like he was a wet fart.


"No, man. I'm just trying to buy some fruit."

"Come on. I take you. Too far."

"No. This is... There has to be..."

"Where you from? America? Barrack Obama!"

I waved them off with a hand that clenched into a fist and retreated. I bought some yogurt and laid in bed sweating out the evil. As soon as I was sure I wouldn't soil the minivan, I got the hell out of there. Ubud was supposed to be better; rumor told me so, Facebook comments told me so.

I didn't like Ubud either. It has its virtues. The guesthouses are gorgeous and the surrounding countryside is beautiful, but it's still a hot mess of tourism. It is basically Kuta Beach designed by someone with a lot more aesthetic flare.

I gave it a go, I really did. My Bali Belly had died down to molten heartburn, so I hit the streets and did touristy stuff. I looked in shops I had no intention of buying anything from. I went to the Monkey Forest and almost got attacked for videotaping a momma and her baby. I took a bike tour through the countryside. I went to bars and started conversations with random strangers from several continents. I tried. But, I couldn't get over the crowds, the cost, and the sell, sell, sell.

I realize now that I had reverse culture shock. In Sumatra I was the only tourist. All of my interaction with the locals was genuine and interesting; they wanted to know me, they taught me about their culture and introduced me to their families because although we were strangers we were also friends. They never tried to sell me a forty minute taxi ride to a pineapple.

I got out of Ubud as quickly as I got out of Kuta. I am well aware that I didn't give Bali a proper chance and I'm sure you Bali-ites could send me an itinerary that would change my mind. I don't care. As far as I'm concerned the Bali box has been checked. I will forever remember the Island of the Gods as a wonderful place...

04 August 2014

The Surf Chronicles: Part Three

Through the Keyhole

Nylon sacks crammed with coconuts—a mountain of fabric and husk. The mountain needs to move and we aren’t going anywhere until it does. Small framed men heft the sacks over their shoulders in no particular hurry. I briefly consider jumping out and putting the damn things on board myself but I’m all jammed up, it’s wall-to-wall strangers and everyone thinks I’m strange.

The little girl to my right won’t stop staring. Staring and giggling. She is wearing a pink head-wrap and Velcro shoes. She probably wants to say hi, she probably wants me to go first. I don’t care. I’m in no mood to entertain. The dude in front of me is staring too. He's a seriously weather baked individual—mostly toothless—bone skinny. He’s got a mouth full of betel nut and he’s letting the blood red juice drip unchecked from the corners of his mouth.

Every direction seems worse and I’m out of directions so I put on my sunglasses and close my eyes. I hide in plain sight. Bye bye Bawa. 
Admittedly I was a little pissy that morning. I had tossed and turned, dwelling on unknowable surf dilemmas and woke up in need of a nap. I wasn’t worried about surfing well, I knew that was a long way off. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to surf at all.

Sumatra is for big boy surfers, daydreamers. Me, I'm just a fan boy who got in over his head. I knew that if I couldn't find manageable waves, my surf fantasy would end in tragedy. I don't like tragedies, I like happy endings, and I wanted the chance to will one into existence.

I began to loosen up when we reached Si Rumbo. Bawa was behind me and the conclusion to The Surf Chronicles, good or bad, was a motobike ride away. To Sorake!

But first an oil change.

Unlike my super awesome chain smoking bus driver, Arman was nice enough to warn me, thus I avoided sweating balls on the back of a jacked up motobike during "service" time. While that was happening, Arman and I got coffee at a place that seemed to specialize in little kid backpacks and deflated soccer balls. The things locals know...

The road to Sorake was in ruins but beautiful too; dense jungle that occasionally fell away revealing expansive ocean views. We pulled into town just ahead of the setting sun and snagged a room at place called Johnnie's owned by a man named Eddy.

"Eddy, I need to rent a board. A big one."

"Something like this. Not something like that," Eddy replied with one hand over his head and the other waist high.


"I'll call my friend Anton. Don't worry."

Chatty Eddy had all sorts of questions and an odd sense of costumer service.

"You want pushy-pushy?"

"Pushy-push... Boom boom? Um...no. I'm good."

Unsure if I was grasping his offer Eddy gave the air a good humping. "For sex. My neighbor. A nice girl from Nias."

"Yeah yeah, I get it. No thank you. I don't want to pay for pushy-pushy, ya know?

"Something like this. Not something like that."


My room at Eddy's overlooked Keyhole, Sorake's dream wave. The break was "discovered" in 1975 when three adventurous Aussies came machete whacking through the jungle with surf boards in hand. They found surf heaven, nirvana, shangri-la, etc and so on. They sucked at keeping secrets. Keyhole is famous now, a wave forever fixed on the surf destinations leader board.

In true kook fashion I looked at the waves cranking right and said, "It doesn't look that big."

Arman smirked and gave me a condescending pat on the back. "Wait until someone catches one," he replied.

So I did, and when I saw the first speck paddle in, I realized how off my sense of perspective had been. "Oh..OOOH...oh shiiit."

"This is okay for me," Arman said. "For you, I think the beach break is better."

This description from Action Guide: Surfing Indonesia sums up Keyhole nicely:

The next morning, Eddy's friend Anton brought over a board that was 7'3, thin and light. I figured it was big enough and paid him for three days. He gave me a ride to a wide sandy beach where I saw not a ripple. He introduced me to the brothers Antonio and Irman, local surf guides and all around good dudes.

After I had waited around doing nothing for twenty minutes, Antonio said, "Michael. Are you going to surf?"


"There," he replied pointing to some pansy looking shore break. I gave him a dubious look, but both Arman and Irman were looking at me like, "Yeah rook, that's where you belong."

I paddled where they had pointed oozing a slick trail of irrational ego behind me. I missed a couple and awkwardly caught a couple more. Mostly I trolled around pretending I was too good for the babies.

Arman left that afternoon. I said goodbye in the simple way you say goodbye to a friend. I doubt he knows how appreciative I am, but I hope that I can make up for that by passing Mr. Yoghurt's map on to the worthy.

The next morning, all alone and susceptible to my own delusions, I once again looked out at Keyhole and underestimated its brawn. I saw a group of surfers huddled together and figured I would paddle out, take a closer look, and turn back if it was too big.

Getting out wasn't easy. I had to stumble over sharp coral until I reached a deep water channel and then paddle for a good distance to reach the daydreamers circle. That's what it was--a bunch people who obviously knew what they were doing; slim dudes with dreads, shredded Aussie meats, blond girls with thick sunscreen smeared across their pretty faces and Indonesian kids who were probably birthed right there--momma floating on a longboard.

I immediately felt like an impostor. I let myself drift inside, away from the crowd, and watched them pluck off waves in awe of their ease. I knew I needed to retreat, but I decided to try one wave, just one.

A set rolled in and I took the first wave. It picked me up and threw me down the face. I came up sputtering and saw the second wave coming in fast; twice as high and starting to crest. I paddled hard and barely made it over the top. The next wave, the next set, dive dive dive.

I was scared. When I had gotten caught in the sets in Si Rumbo it was frustrating, but I never felt any real sense of danger. This was different. My Spidey sense was spazzing the f--- out. These were big, dangerous waves and the entire coastline was a coral shelf. If the waves threw me across that I'd end up in the hospital looking like Hamburger Helper.

The coral shelf has a sharp 90 degree turn. My exit point was through the waves and around the bend. Imagine being around the corner from your house but stuck in hurricane force winds. Every time you take a step the winds push you back three. You're exhausted and you want to give up, but you continue to fight and fight hard because your inching closer to a hedge with thorns the size of daggers.

There was no way I was going to make it through the waves, and I needed to get as far from the coral shelf as possible. I should have paddled right, past the point where the waves die out and looped around. Instead I turned and let the whitewash push me to safety, assuming the shelf would end and I would be able to reach the shore.

I probed and probed but the shelf went on ceaselessly. Way off in the distance I saw blue specks in the center of a wide bay, longboards leaning against Antonio and Irman's surf shack. I paddled toward the baby waves with no slick of ego to leave behind.

Allow me to clarify just how out of my depth I was.

The guy Anton who I rented the board from is a local legend. Anton could have gone pro. Anton should have gone pro. But, Anton fell in love and so Anton stayed. Now he is the fixer anytime the pros come to town.

A few days before I arrived Anton was surfing Keyhole with Mick Fanning.

Around the same time Shane Dorian was tow in surfing at an even bigger break nearby.

And once upon a time Antonio and Irman saw the king himself, Kelly Slater. He flew in on a helicopter, straight up abused Keyhole and flew away like royalty should.

Paddle paddle ya big dummy.

This was not the first time I'd been left floating because of my ego.

I learned how to water ski when I was 11-12 years old. You are supposed to start with double skis and progress up to a single ski when you're ready. I didn't want anything to do with those lame-ass double skis. I had seen my dad and his buddies ripping across the wake on a single. I had watched ski competitions on ESPN. I was going to start good and get great.

That summer we spent two weeks camping at New Hogan Reservoir in California. For ten days I tried and failed to master the single ski. I was a young buck. I had the stamina of a twenty-two year old Mick Jagger partying in Vegas with a feedbag of cocaine strapped to his face. My dad was supernaturally patient. He kept telling me to try the doubles and kept letting me learn the hard way.

Finally on the eleventh day he'd had enough. When the boat came by I handed him my single ski. He snatched it and pulled away.

"Dad! Stop messin around," I whined.

"You're not getting back in the boat until you try doubles."

"I don't want to learn doubles! I want to single ski. I can do it!"

He circled me in silence like a shark with an inboard-outboard motor. I think the boat actually had a dolphin sticker on it, but whatever, like a shark! My teeth were chattering, the life vest was digging into my arm pits, but I could see that Pops wasn't gonna budge.

"Fine! Give me the stupid doubles."

I strapped on the stupid doubles and waited for the rope to pull taut. I wanted to fail so badly. I wanted to be the last kid picked on his worst day so I could show my dad how wrong he was. With a pouty little wimp face that imagined to be hard I yelled, "Hit it!"

Before I new what happened, or how it happened I was humming across the surface of the water. I forgot all about flipping my dad a told ya so and aimed for the outside of the wake with crooked teeth flashing and crazy eyes shining.

As I paddled toward the baby waves, I realized that I couldn't let myself back in the boat. It was time to double ski.

There is about 1.5 kilometers between Keyhole and the baby waves. It took me a long time to reach Antonio and Irman's surf shack, and I knew that they had probably gotten a good laugh out of my dumb and dogged approach, but I didn't care. I was amused by my own ridiculous. And I had a plan.

Two steps out of the water with the leash still fastened around my ankle I said, "You guys rent rooms here, right?"


"How about big boards? I'm talkin humongous."

I walked barefoot along the side the road until I reached Eddy's place, crammed all my stuff into my backpack, checked out, and walked right back to the baby waves. I rented a board the size of Manhattan and started peppering everyone with how to questions. That afternoon I paddled out, and wouldn't you god damn double ski know it, I stood up and rode five out of the seven waves I tried for. Good rides. Clean rides. Surfing.

The brother's, party prepping
I learned to double-ski surf the day before America's birthday. I asked the brothers if there was anywhere to buy a bottle of booze, because I wanted to party on our nations b-day no matter where I was. The brothers loved the idea of a party and wanted to join. In fact they offered to host.

So on the 4th of July in faraway Indonesia, America's birthday was celebrated with cheer. Antonio and Irman brought their wives and children as well as an American couple who had been surfing the break earlier that week. They grilled fresh caught tuna right there on the beach, served with rice and dipping sauces. And they mixed up a wicked bucket full of fresh fruit and tuak--moonshine Sangria.

I stayed on the beach with the baby waves for nearly a week. Every morning I had fried bananas and coffee at a roadside stand. Every evening I ate dinner at a restaurant with a blue metal roof. And every day I surfed.

I paddled out when the sun was shining. I paddled out when rain was pinging and rippling all around. I watched Irman's seven year old son shredding waves on a surfboard the size of a skateboard looking for clues. I listened to the teenage kid who yelled, "Ooh la la" anytime he saw a wave I should chase.

I wish I could tell you that I got better. I wish this story could end with me dropping into a wave at Keyhole and riding it through. But, the truth is I struggled. I loved it and I wanted to quit. I felt pride and I felt loathing. It wasn't easy, but it was real.

And that is how The Surf Chronicles end; with me on the board but not on the shore, with me looking back at a golden bay in faraway Sumatra, slow riding baby waves, daydreaming about daydreaming.

Me and Manhattan


23 July 2014

The Surf Chronicles: Part Two


You should see me in my daydreams. I am glory on the slide. I drop into waves that are well overhead and rip up the wall. I disappear beneath barrels and streak through with my hand tickling the swell. I watch myself from the shoreline, both surfer and observer. The me on the shore is enthralled. The me on the board is all cool nonchalance.

Lying on the roof of the public boat from Bawa to Si Rumbo, I let my daydreams reel. My eyes were closed and my smirk was fixed. The sun was being pleasant and the breeze was being nice. I was going surfing.

In Si Rumbo we left our boards at the harbor; food before surf. We went to a seafood shack on the beach and hand-picked a kilo worth of red snapper. While that was cooking over open-flame we watched the waves roll in. The burbling of anticipation was mostly stifled by a feeling that I was doing exactly what I was meant to be doing.

After lunch, with greasy fingers and bloated bellies, we retrieved our boards and worked our way down to the shore. I took a half-stick of wax out of my back pocket and lathered up the board. Frames from the daydream dropped over reality like misplaced slides and my confidence flitted unconcerned--a happy little bird unaware of its place in the food chain.

I hadn’t paddled out since I moved abroad. That startled me when I thought of it, so I scanned through the years trying to disprove it, but I couldn’t. In those five years I had forgotten a very important truth: I am absolutely shit at surfing—I am not my daydreams.

Fearless because of forgotten failures and remembered fiction, I strapped on the leash and followed Arman down to the entry point. Three steps in the leash jammed between my toes and I almost did a header into the coral.

From there, it got worse.

Arman, who could probably walk barefoot across a set of steak knives, scampered across the coral, dove in and paddled into perfect position in like eight seconds. Meanwhile I was standing knee deep in breakwater trying to figure out where to step without putting a coral nail through my foot. The incoming shore break pushed me around, and the board kept slipping out of my hand thanks to the sweat pouring from my pits. I hissed and winced about the sharpness, then muttered recriminating curses about my namby-pambiness. When I had finally pussyfooted my way into deep enough water I dove in without waiting for a lull in the sets. Stupid.

I was on a 5’11 slip of fiberglass and from the second I glided into the water it didn’t feel right; my sternum was digging into the board, my balance was off, my paddling was getting me nowhere.

These were the smallest waves around but they were still overhead and fast. I tried to duck-dive a wave and felt it pull me back a good ten feet. I popped to the surface and paddled hard but the next wave pulled me back just as far. I whipped my head around, worried that I might be coral bound. By the time I fought through the rest of the set I was exhausted and my sternum was on fire, it felt like a pestle being mercilessly ground into mortar. I ignored the pain as best I could and dug in hard, but the next set came up quick and once again I was outmatched.

I let an F-Bomb fly like an angry flare. Arman spun around curiously confused and paddled my way. He caught a wave in route—just ripped that salt right over the wound.

“Follow me; it will be easier if we jump off the jetty.”

And so we did, and it was easier. We approached the waves from the back and took a quick breather. I rolled off the board and let the water cool my face. I ran my thumb across the inflamed circle on my sternum. My only emotion was disbelief.

But the daydreams…

The waves kept rolling in; breaking right—always right. And we were the only ones on them. I took a few deep breaths and forced my confidence back into place. If this was going to work I needed that filter.

Arman shouted, "Go! Go! Go!" at a wave I didn't see coming. It rolled up behind me beautiful and mean. I froze. The pretty lady had caught me looking and I knew I was about to get bitch-slapped for it. I made a half-ass attempt to pop-up, covered my face with my arms and cannonballed over the drop. I came up sputtering and laughing. Even getting bitch-slapped can be fun.

I kept missing and I kept making mistakes. I dragged my knee, I scooted too far forward on the board, I paddled too soon and looked back just in time to turtle. Name a mistake and I made it. My sternum still hurt, my balance was still off and my paddling was still getting me nowhere. So, with each miss, with each mistake, failure became less fun.

I tried to keep myself focused on the adventure of it all. "Look at this swell! You're in Sumatra, man! And these are the practice waves!" But I wasn't falling for my own pep talks. A new emotion had replaced disbelief: GUILT.

The waves came at me like rippled mirrors and in the reflection I saw a dude who couldn't daydream. A poser. A kook. I was in a grand library reading pop-up books. I was in the finest of restaurants smashing Twinkies with the salad fork. My pretty little confidence had been minced and gnashed--reduced to gristle wedged between gum and tooth.  
We stayed in Si Rumbo that night with the intention of surfing again in the morning but it wasn't meant to be. Standing on the jetty, where the waves kicked my ass with perfect rights, we looked down at clear unperturbed water--snorkeling bullshit. Seriously, Chinese divers would have pushed more water than the tide did that morning. I know how stupid this sounds, but that felt like rejection.

Take your little rain cloud and crawl back to Bawa, kook.

The public boat took hours that felt like days. I laid on the roof, and put a wet shirt over my face to block the pissed off sun. I didn't daydream. I wouldn't allow it. That afternoon I wasted time rewatching TV shows. That evening I ate dinner and went straight to bed; no village, no tuak. Mentally I was throwing punches at my disappointment, but physically I was all punched out.

Arman went out with his fishing buddies and stayed out until 3am. The next morning, for different reasons, we were in a quiet kind of mood. U-ti made me a tomato and garlic omelet and I mixed myself a sugary coffee. Arman was fiddling with something under the table so I arched him an eyebrow. He pulled up a day-wrecker joint and a smile bloomed on my face. What an absolutely perfect surprise. I put on music to match the mood and we smoked while a playlist called, Chill did the talking for us. Other than the occasional, “Good song” we didn’t say much at all. It was a lovely Bawa morning.


Let's leave MB and Arman where they are for a moment. Trust me they won't notice we're gone.

Not everything that happened in Bawa fits into The Surf Chronicles narrative, but there are things just off the page that deserve to be brought into focus.

The Food...

I stayed out of the kitchen, but whatever U-ti was doing back there was damn close to magic. The staple meal was fish caught moments before served with mountains of rice and coleslaw lightly seasoned with salt and orange juice. Lunch was often the Indonesian staples, fried rice (nasi goreng) or fried noodles (mei goreng). And on a celebratory evening when U-ti's sister was in town a little piggy lost its life so that we could gorge ourselves on thick-cut chops served with rice and grilled eggplant. I expected to get skinny on Bawa and instead I blissfully fattened up like I would on a trip home to mom and dad's.


If you were to look down during practically any Bawa scene you would see an adorable little puppy named, Poochu. In Indonesian his name means "ant" but he did not earn that name because of his diminutive size, he earned it because he fell asleep on an ant hill and yelped when they started munching on his little puppy pee-pee. Everyone on the island loves Poochu. Little kids ride by calling his name, grown women stop by just to baby talk him, “Aeye Poochu!!” Poochu has many friends.

The Characters...

Much of Bawa's charm is wrapped-up in the charm of its residents. One night we went to the village and found the evening crew bumming because the TV was busted. I had my laptop with me because it needed a charge so I set it up on the picnic table and put on an episode of Game of Thrones. No less than fifteen people eagerly gathered around my little computer and watched the images flash. Inside the shop I had a sudden thought, a concern: are there boobs in that episode? A collective gasp followed by shrieks of laughter gave me my answer. I darted outside. Fourteen people were leaning forward with eyes wide, and one old lady was pissing herself with laughter. I peeked at the screen and caught Grey Worm perving on Daenerys’ right hand lady. The camera pulled back and focused on her perfect booty. The old lady loved that ass. She was pointing at the screen and clapping. Just howling. Funniest damn butt she ever saw.

“Sorry,” I said with a shrug.

“Bagus! Bagus!” she replied catching her breath. Good! Good!

Let's get back to MB and Arman. Right now they are listening to, The Avett Brothers and leveling out. Arman is telling MB a story about how he once saved a man's life when the man's leash got caught in the rocks, and how that man wanted to bring him to America to work and earn money for his future, and finally about being rejected by U.S customs officials. MB is petting Poochu's belly with no excuses to give.


I tried to float along in the Bawa lifestyle. I relaxed on the beach and swam. I went running in the morning and found big thick vines to swing on. I chilled with new friends and ate stellar meals. And despite all that goodness, I felt the irresistible urge to move on. My failure in Si Rumbo was to blame. It was ruining my Bawa buzz. 

Sorake Beach is the most famous surf spot on the big island of Nias and that is where I wanted to go. I knew it would be an easy place to rent a board, and I hoped that somewhere along the shoreline there would be waves small enough for me.

Evening. Speckled rays of sun give a golden haze to the canopy above. I am sitting on a wooden bench under the eaves, rereading a page I turned without understanding, the words spliced by daydream frames. I watch Arman pull-up on a scooter made of neon and metal. He is carrying a bulging canvas sack.

"Young coconut?" he asks

I watch him pull bright green bulbs from the sack. He picks up a machete, a curved wicked looking thing, and hacks at the top of the coconut, spinning it in his palm as he goes. He hands it to me and I see that he has exposed a quarter-size hole where the stem used to be. I don't like coconut water; the store bought kind. I am unsure about this. I tilt it back and half the juice runs down my chin. It's warm and a little sweet. It tastes unwashed and wild. I drink again, greedily. It's good. Damn good.

Arman sits across from me and plugs my computer into speakers he borrowed from a neighbor. Music is a luxury and he plays it any chance he gets. I have to tell him, but I'm nervous, I'd promised I would stay longer.

“I have to leave early. I want to go to Sorake. Surfing, ya know?”

“Okay, man. “I’ll go with you. I need to go anyway.”


“Yeah, sure. We can take my motorbike.”

Settled. I run my hands across the coconut, it feels smooth and waxy, except at the top where the machete splayed its fibrous flesh. I want to remember the sensation. I want to remember everything, because this is my last real Bawa moment.

I watch a family of pigs edge toward the porch. I hear U-ti coming--she always knows. First the broom and then her. "Chu-chu-chu," she says. The piggies scurry off with squeals that sound like cries. In the distance a startled rooster crows. U-ti turns to go back inside. Surprise and disappointment color her face. She still believes they'll learn.

I hear my name. Arman is passing a joint across the table. I reach carefully avoiding its brightly burning tip. "Last one," he says. I pull deep and exhale with exaggerated languor. And again. I turn up the volume because I love this song, Leonard Cohen growling something pretty. Over the music and the muzzled effects of memory burning the hammock is playing its siren sweet and light.

One more sip and I’ll be there...   

14 July 2014

The Surf Chronicles: Part One


This all started when I met a man named, Yoghurt.

I was eating dinner at a restaurant called Hot Chili, shoveling spicy pork in my face and slugging down Bintang when I heard the chair across from me screech. A man wearing a headlamp and a heavy camouflage jacket sat down and patted absently at the bulging pockets of his army issue gear. He didn’t seem aware that I was at the table so I continued inhaling my food. I had seen the guy around and assumed he was an acquaintance of the owner. He always entered on a mission and sat without purpose. As to his deal, I had no guesses. He started chatting me up and since he seemed more likely to talk to imaginary friends than dole out travel advice, I was only half listening. A distant buzz built to a CLANG! CLANG!  His words punched through pork and beer; surf getaway, practically uninhabited island…

Wait… What!?

“This man, Arman, a young guy—twenty-five maybe, he is a surfer and a spear-fisherman. You can stay with him and his wife. They live on Pulau Bawa; this is a very small island. I will draw you a map. Only eighty people live there. You will be the only tourist and it’s cheap, something like 50,000 rupiah a day ($5).


“Okay, but you must understand this is very basic. They eat rice and instant noodles, if you want barbecue fish or something you must pay for this. Also for tuak, the best tuak comes from this island. You can’t finish one bottle you will be too drunk. I go there just to buy tuak. And the toilet…(he chuckles a bit here) when you see it…it is only.

“Don’t care. How does this happen?”

He didn’t want to give me details where others might see, so he suggested that we drive to a shop to buy pen and paper.  I considered that this might be some bizarre dinner theatre/mugging hybrid, but I got on the back of his scooter anyway. Sitting under the harsh yellow of an overhead florescent he drew me a map and told me to contact Arman when I arrived in the port city of Si Bolga. This seemed unnecessarily clandestine, so I asked him to call Arman for me.

“I don’t have a mobile,” he replied with a shrug. “I am a simple man.”

“That’s fine, I’ll pick up a SIM card tomorrow… What’s your name by the way?”

“I am Mr. Yoghurt. I came here twenty-three years ago to sell yoghurt, so now that is my name.”

And with that my surf odyssey began.

Dropping off the grid sounds romantic and all, but it isn’t easy. I left the Forgotten Paradise of Lake Toba aboard the first ferry to Parapat a transit town on the mainland side of the lake. In Parapat I caught a public bus to the far side of Sumatra arriving in Si Bolga seven hours later. The public buses look like something the circus left behind and the seats are so uncomfortable you might as well be sitting on a pile of rebar. I spent the entire ride pressed against the window with the sun baring down, waiting for my right arm to smell of meat. The sun is supposed to continue its procession through the sky, but it didn’t that day, that day it stared through the window angry and belligerent. And then there were the roads. As is the case in much of South East Asia, Sumatra’s roads are not maintained; they are built and left to rot. Monsoon rains wash away swaths and those swaths become accepted obstacles. So for seven hours, my arm slow roasted toward cannibal kebab and every pothole felt like an uppercut to the butthole.

In Si Bolga I took a ferry to the island of Nias, one of the most sought after surf destinations in the world. The ferry traveled overnight, but it was not an overnight ferry. I had the choice between a metal seat in a bright sweltering room or the roof. I chose the roof. I laid out my travel towel and used my backpack as a pillow. I nestled in as best I could—me and three hundred Indonesian strangers snoozing under the stars.

When I woke up, I was filthy. The black smoke belching out above had covered me in a fine layer of carcinogenic dust. Arman had arranged for a bus to pick me up, but it wasn’t due to arrive for a few more hours so I wandered the harbor area explaining to every “Hey Mister!”shouter that I didn’t need a ride. I ate breakfast and bought toiletries. I got my beard shorn for sixty-cents. And eventually I met up with my driver who didn’t speak a lick of English and was clearly mystified that I didn’t speak a lick of Indonesian. Our destination was Si Rumbo a small town on the opposite side of the island—the edge of the grid—a place so remote my driver needed to get an oil change first.

We pulled into a garage and before I knew what was happening or why I felt the back of the minivan being jacked up. I sat there at a 45 degree angle sweating my balls off and reading a book to pass the time. I caught a glimpse of the driver and the mechanic talking heatedly. The mechanic drew the short straw, shuffled over, stuck his head in the window and said, “Service.”

“Oh! Ok. Thank you,” I said all corn syrup sweet. What I meant of course was, “No fuckin shit!”

Jiffy Lubed up and ready to roll we drove about half a mile and parked. The driver took off and random Indonesian dudes stopped by to drop off water, bags of rice, whatever. In the politest way possible everyone wanted to know what the hell I was doing in that part of town. Still sweating balls in the backseat I was beginning to wonder that myself.

My super awesome chain smoking driver came back and flashed up three fingers. Three minutes, I stupidly hoped. Nope. 3pm—three hours away. The driver laid down on the seat behind me and took a nap. I sweated more balls and crushed half a king-size box of peanut butter cookies because that is all I could find to eat. At 2:59 a gaggle of Indonesian women ranging in age from 2 to 102 piled into the van with me. And finally we were off.

As always the roads were a hot mess and I fidgeted constantly because at that point my ass had atrophied and was falling off the bone. I still had half a package of peanut butter cookies in my bag so I offered a sample to my fellow passengers. The oldest of the bunch swooped down on them like a buzzard. She didn’t even have teeth. I turned away from the carnage, but I very much doubt anyone got a taste of those peanut butter grandma gummies.

The pain of getting off the grid became a pleasure when we pulled into the harbor. Arman was waiting at the dock with a narrow fishing boat ready to take us out to Pulau Bawa; my home for the next ten days.

Sumatra is a surfers paradise and with good reason. Taxing away from the dock I could see three breaks absolutely ripping. The closest break peeled perfect rights away from the jetty. At a point down the coast I could see curl and drop—spray flying high. And at a reef well off shore monster waves beat down, terrifying and alluring too.

Pulau Bawa is part of an eight island chain.

"Arman, I can see surf breaks there, there, there... Do all of these islands have surfable breaks?"

"Yeah, sure."

The sun was setting as we made our way to the island. Ringed in a band of grey clouds, it looked like a distant planet pulled suddenly near. And when it dropped below the horizon it threw up its last shafts of light—a heavenly hallelujah.

It was dark by the time we reached Bawa. We hitched up to the cement pier and loaded onto Arman’s scooter. Bawa has one road, a sidewalk wide strip of cement that dissects most, but not all of the island. Arman sped down the path and I held on watching the jungle blur, and a ribbon of stars bend and curve.

Arman and his wife U-ti have a nice little place; a wood framed house with a palm frond roof surrounded by jungle. It has a great sitting area, and a hammock strung between porch and palm. The guest bed is comfortable and curtained off for privacy. The bathroom facilities are what made Mr. Yoghurt titter with concern. The toilet is in the jungle, or I should say the jungle is the toilet. And the shower is a pit full of fish and rainwater. The edges of the pit are littered with coral that Arman must have deposited for traction, but it looks like the poor creatures crawled out of the hole and died.

It wasn’t five star, but it was just fine for me. I’ve taken plenty of bucket showers. And peeing on stuff is fun.

Does a traveler shit in the woods? This one does.

There was no surfing my first couple days on the island. Arman said the waves were too big. I didn't believe him of course, so I wandered out to the point to see for myself. "Too big" turned out to be a comically low key description of what I saw. "F--- me!" was all I could say at the sight of... Well, more on that in a minute.

We went spear-fishing instead. And we must have made quite a sight getting out there. I rode on the back of a scooter with flippers in one hand and a spear-gun in the other. The guy driving was so little that I could see right over his head. I held the spear gun so that the tip was jutting out in front of the scooter like a lance. We charged through the jungle, clippity, clippity, clippity—Lancelot ridin bitch.

It was a successful outing. I have proof:

Other than that I did nothing. I swam slow and napped long. I made coral necklaces with a little girl named Sephia. I swung in the hammock watching clouds pass.

Doing nothing is an art that I have to relearn every time I travel for an extended period. I always start with a daily agenda and slowly taper down to chill.

There is no electricity on Bawa, only a few generators and those don’t fire up until after dark. Every night a crowd gathers at the village shop to smoke cigarettes, watch Indo TV and charge dying cellphones (cellphones that only work at the harbor). If anyone has a few extra Rupiah a bottle of tuak may be passed around. Tuak is moonshine distilled from coconuts and served in plastic water bottles. It’s syrupy, sweet and surprisingly strong. I got half the village absolutely slammered for like $15. We talked about a lot of things that night but most of all tourism.

A few of the more ambitious residents want more tourists to come because tourists come with money. I understand that, but there is a dark side to tourism too. So with the fire of tuak raging in my eyes I said, “Your greatest gift is that this place is a secret. You can sell the secret, but you have to keep the secret too. (Naturally I was shhh-ing for emphasis). Go to Sorake where all the surfers are. Recruit them. Sell them on the surfing. Tell them that every morning you’ll strap their boards to the roof of a fishing boat and take them to whichever break is firing. Tell them that in the afternoon you’ll do the same, and there will be a cooler on board packed with ice cold Bintang. This place is a surf video in real life. I don’t know a single surfer that wouldn’t kill to experience this just once. Get them here and the waves will do all the recruiting for you.”

Those of you who know me, know that is in no way embellished. It’s just the way I talk when I’m drunk, or you know, sober. There is this great Mitch Hedberg joke that goes like this:

"This is what my friend said to me, he said, "I think the weather's trippy.' And I said, 'No, man. It's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.' Then I thought, 'Man, I should have just said.... 'Yeah'"

I never remember to just say, Yeah.

And I imagined that I had them on the hook...

So! With my arm raised and my index finger extended, I stirred that soupy sky like a mad conductor at play.

“BUT! Tell your guests to be careful about who they tell. Tell them that you’re looking for guests who will respect the islands as a surf getaway. If you sell out and turn this place into Bali light the magic will be gone.”

We did a tuak cheers to punctuate my rant and they jabbered stuff in Indonesian. I'm guessing that, that stuff went like this:

"Did you catch any of that?"


"Dude, can talk, huh? Hey, pass the tuak! Feelin parched over here."

Tourism on Bawa is almost exclusively local; fisherman doing overnights when the water gets rough. Once a year or so a Westerner wanders through. We got to talking about the recent Westies and I noticed that something was missing.

“Am I the first American?”

“First person from America? Yes.”

That got me f----in pumped obviously, so I overturned the table, smashed a bottle and sang, “America! Fuck yeah!”

There is a wonderful sense of community on Bawa. It feels like a big extended family, everyone helping each other live as best they can. I went to a town hall meeting, the purpose of which was to raise money to build a dock on Lake Bawa. We all sat on the floor and listened to The Chief explain the need. The Chief isn’t a cop per say, but he is the first person the cops would call if anything were to go wrong, thus the nickname. I didn’t understand a word he said, but if body language translated correctly he was very convincing. A collection went around and people donated what they could, anything from 5000 rupiah (50 cents) to 80,000 rupiah ($8). By the time it got back to The Chief the community had the $100 they needed to build their dock.

This togetherness is one of the reasons I want Arman and his friends to temper how much tourism they invite. Too many tourists will create competition. Guesthouses and restaurants will be followed by motobike rentals and cash exchange places. Coconut farmers will abandon their trade to sell "I Heart Bawa" t-shirts next to a bar playing American hip-hop. Their children will have more money but they will never understand the simple traditions and pleasures Bawa once had. And every night the village shop will be empty. 

On a Sunday morning just before church we played volleyball on hard-packed earth with a ball black as lava rock. Afterwards while the others went to change into their Sunday finery I walked out to the point to check the waves. I stepped carefully along the jagged shoreline and found a place beneath the palms. I watched in wonder.

It is a treacherous break. The waves crash in deep water but a coral shelf comes up fast and sharp. Pulling at all that deep water the waves curl into heavy, mean looking things. It would be impossible to paddle straight out, you would have to circle around to the back, and even then surfing there would take a high degree of skill and ocean know how. The waves aren't always big, but when they are... The first time I went out to the point they were 8-10ft and right on top of each other. And on that particular Sunday, while the island's only church was filling up, stormy 15-footers reared up and hammered down. Paddling out in that would be stupid in the extreme, but man is it pretty.

A man named Johnnie lives on the point. He can watch the waves from his front porch and since there is no internet and barely any phone service he is the island’s surf report. He is also one of three people on the island who speak English so I stopped by to say hello.

“Michael! Surfing?”

“Not today, Johnnie. Too big for me.”

“Did you see the big ship?”

I turned and saw nothing but dark blue seas and light blue sky. Noting my confusion Johnnie handed me a sea encrusted antique.

“The ship is underwater. I got this from there. It has been down there a long time.”

My eyes glazed over. So there is a shipwreck right next to the epic surf break? Just stop it, Bawa!

Turning the antique over in my hands, I realized that it was a candle holder, the wall mounted kind, and I wondered just how old it was. I have done some research since and haven't been able to find anything, but Arman says the wreck has been down there for 100 years or so.

The next day we geared up to check it out. Arman and his friends scampered shoeless across treacherous coral, while I stumbled and bobbed around in the breakwater trying to get my stupid flippers on. The water above the shipwreck was relatively calm, but off to my right the waves were breaking something beautiful. It was the first time I'd seen really good surf at the break; clean, 8ft-10ft, glassy and barreling over.

It was also the first time I saw anyone surf them. Two brave dudes had paddled out from a fancy sailing yacht anchored offshore. I watched them drop into raging barrels and pop out like pebbles from a slingshot. The speed those waves generate... Gnarly.

I could have watched that display all day, but I had a shipwreck to see:

Maybe it was because he saw me taking pictures of surf boards and pigs. Maybe it was because my passive surf questions began to repeat. In any case, Arman came up with a solution, unprompted, the way a great tour guide does. “The waves are too big on the small islands, but I know a place near Si Rumbo. We can surf there tomorrow.”

I exhaled happily. I wasn’t good enough for the surf video, but that didn't matter, there were waves not far away, somewhere to the east of Bawa paradise. 

To be continued…

11 July 2014

Paradise Forgotten

I found Lake Toba in a weighty Lonely Planet guidebook: South East Asia on a Shoestring. This was years ago, when MB Abroad was just a baby blog, and I was still dog-earring pages and planning too far ahead.  I never made it to Lake Toba, or anywhere else in Sumatra. I had planned to finish my first long backpacking trip there, but I grew weary of the road and turned farther north into Thailand to spend a few days on the beach before reporting to Surat Thani.

Sumatra has remained an unscratched itch and it was the first place I aimed after recouping my sense of normal in Koh Samui and Koh Tao. I’m at Lake Toba now and it’s pretty spectacular. 75,000 years ago the supervolcano across from me roared in all its immensity plunging the world into volcanic winter and raining ash as far away as the East Coast of Africa. It was the largest eruption in the last 25 million years. Over the millennia water has collected in the gullet of the beast forming a massive volcanic lake with an island the size of Singapore at its center. My bungalow is on that island, in a town called Tuk Tuk. It looks like a piece of Hawaii bobbing in fresh water. The mountains are green and the buildings are bright. Pure white Egrets seem to pass in perpetuity. It is a paradise forgotten.
Twenty years ago Lake Toba was a fixture on the backpacker trail. The remnants of that era are all around and fading away; tour boats are tethered and empty, ghost town guesthouses dot the shoreline, long unasked for services are still advertised on chipped-paint signs. As a California native it reminds me of Route 66 and all those towns lost to the reroute of the superhighways.

I have this theory that budget airlines like Air Asia are to blame. They created new superhighways over Sumatra and Java, giving tourists a cheap hop from Bangkok to Bali. Why deal with all the bad bus rides when you can do a quick roundtrip; surf, party and pick-up a Bintang tank top to prove you were there? I laid this theory on Roy, my fixer here in Lake Toba and he just shrugged. He said it might be that and then added that the terrorism threats of the past hadn’t helped either. In any case he didn’t seem all that bothered. Roy is a good business man, he gets the tourism trade. It bothered me that he didn’t seem bothered. But, Roy is also Indonesian, and from what I have observed so far that means that his contentment comes from family and simple life pleasures, not the pitter-patter of backpackers carrying dog-eared guidebooks.

I can never rest when I first arrive, so I checked into my bungalow, threw my bag down and set to wandering. I trudged up a dirt hill not knowing where it led. A silver SUV drove past and a woman in an orange shirt and big shades hung out the window shouting hello. I smiled and hello’ed in return. When I got to the top of the hill the SUV was waiting for me. The woman in the big shades asked if I wanted to join them, so I peeked inside to see who them was. Momma was at the wheel and her teenage daughter waved shyly from the backseat. Her brother sat beside her and gave me a head nod looking more unsure than he intended. And from the way back a four year old giggle-box came bounding across the seats wanting to lay hands on her new toy. The woman in orange was Auntie, and Auntie wanted to flirt, so Auntie put her teenage niece on the spot: “Come with us! She wants to practice her English with you!”

I hopped in with no fear of strangers and enjoyed the ride over pothole heavy roads. They took me to lunch; grilled pork with rice. We ate with our fingers and when we finished they insisted on paying. Auntie and her niece tried to teach me local phrases and asked me about America and wondered why I had chosen Indonesia.

After lunch we walked through a market that led to a museum and the tomb of a Batak king. Auntie knew all the vendors. She playfully told them that I was her boyfriend and I playfully played along. Meanwhile her niece did an admirable job of explaining Batak culture, and like the teenage girl she is, blushed after every wisdom proclaiming that she didn’t know anything.

My unexpected tour guides wanted to continue exploring the island, but naptime was pulling me down, so we headed back to my guesthouse. Along the way they asked me to translate a pop song on the radio, so I happily explained that Beyonce was saying, “Halo halo halo” not “hello hello hello” and then elaborated on what that was all about. They cooed and clapped over the romance of it all, and told me how much they love, love, love the diva queen. Then they changed the song and asked me to do it again. When they dropped me off we thanked each other profusely. They didn’t want anything from me other than the pleasant company of a stranger. Though it seemed it at the time, their kindness was not extraordinary. From the school kids surrounding me like paparazzi to the lady selling fried bananas, nearly every Indonesian I’ve met has been curious and guard-droppingly kind.
Lake Toba isn’t a do stuff destination, it’s where you learn to slow down. I’ve floated in the lake and done laundry in a bucket. I’ve drunk Bintang and read for hours. I’ve gotten intoxicatingly full on tea and omelets and sunk into a chair while the view beyond my balcony became a movie theatre in full fantasia.

My time here has been slow-motion grand, but its lasting impression will be one of rediscovery. I was hanging with some dudes from Canada, enjoying fantasia’s fade, when we arrived at a familiar travelers lament: there are no undiscovered places. In my opinion this is a load of crap. There are no undiscovered continents sure, but there are undiscovered places. And those places aren’t far from the tourist trail that runs across every map. It isn’t difficult to find undiscovered places, but it can be difficult to be there; the language barrier is steep, basic services are often absent, loneliness is near. Only experienced travelers ever wander into the undiscovered because it takes experience to handle those places. Lake Toba is somewhere in the middle. It feels undiscovered but the remains of tourism are there to remind you that it’s not. You can go a whole day without seeing another tourist, but you can check email and pay someone to do your laundry too. It is a secret exposed but charmingly so.

My next destination is a two day journey from the tourist trail. I have been promised undiscovered. I have been promised a secret well kept.

Coming soon: The Surf Chronicles


07 June 2014

A Future So Bright

Six years ago I found myself sitting chest deep in the azure waters off Phi Phi Island, drinking a big beer Leo and reconsidering what it meant to live well.

I was a travel virgin then. I had booked a two week trip that included stops in the Philippines, Thailand and Hong Kong--a circus that seemed worth it because I figured I would never see that part of the world again. But, then I met travelers. Not people on vacation--travelers. Adventurous souls who took months if not years to slowly soak in the world.

One of those travelers was a dude named Khai--a friend of a friend who had left New York to teach English in a Thai village. I didn't know you could make money teaching English. I didn't know you could live abroad so easily. His life, and the lives of the other travelers I met inspired me to take a 90% pay cut, sell off all my stuff and pursue a greater happiness.

Six years later I find myself on Koh Tao, a beautiful spit of an island in the Gulf of Thailand. Once again I am pursuing a greater happiness. And once again Khai is involved.

A little over a year ago, Khai started a business on Koh Tao; a taco and burrito shop that was only open for a few hours a day. The test run was successful so he moved to a permanent location and added beer and cocktails to the menu. Soon he had saved enough to open a hostel above the restaurant. He wants to continue expanding; a bigger hostel, restaurants in different locations on the island. But, he can't do it alone, he needs a partner.

That is where I come in. We have a handshake agreement and grand plans. I am buying a 30% stake in his business. And my gut is screaming that this is right and possibly wonderful.

Khai didn't have to hard sell his plan. He told me what he wanted to accomplish and why he needed a partner to accomplish it, and waited for me to figure out that the pretty box he had placed in my hands was a gift.

This is what I'm buying into:
The Taco Shack is in Mae Haad, just up the street from the ferry pier. The menu is simple, tacos and burritos with an island twist; honey pork, mustard beef, chicken pineapple and vegetarian. The food is seriously good. Add in the bar and you've got a perfect spot for comfort food and brew. The dormitory style hostel upstairs ensures consistent funnel down business, and the outdoor seating and lively atmosphere pull in a lot of foot traffic.

It's a great little business, but what I'm really buying into is Khai's expansion plan. Next year, while I am in Saudi saving up investment money he is going to double the size of the hostel from 12 to 24 beds. Once I arrive we will open up a new Taco Shack in Chalok, the quiet but resort heavy side of the island. And eventually when the time is right we will open a third Taco Shack in Sairee Beach, the nightlife center of Koh Tao. We've discussed other ventures big and small but that is the core of it.

I love the simplicity of his business model. A dormitory style hostel is cheap and easy to maintain, but more importantly it attracts the best kind of traveler. The people who stay in dorms are looking for community. They want to meet other travelers and share stories. I have been staying at the hostel for a week and I've already become friends with travelers from England, Belgium, Denmark, Australia, Thailand, Canada and America. The guests here toss their bags on bunk beds, come down to The Taco Shack for a beer and as the Hawaiians would say, talk story.

Khai is the man with the plan. It is his connections that will make all of this possible. As a partner my primary roles will be business manager and co-face of the company. Our products are comfort food and dorm beds, but what we are really selling is the travel lifestyle and that is something we both know well.

Over the coming months you will see me promoting the business a lot. To start please give us a "Like" on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kohtaotaco

And look us up on TripAdvisor. The reviews are in, and they're good. Out of 108 restaurants in Koh Tao we are ranked #4!: www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g303910-d4060729-Reviews-Taco_Shack_Restaurant-Ko_Tao_Surat_Thani_Province.html

I love this future. I am ecstatic about this future.

I have Saudi Arabia to finish first and that may seem like a bummer, but I think it will be a joy. I am debt free for the first time in my adult life because of Saudi. I will have the capital to invest in this business because of Saudi. And I have great friends in Saudi and we have a bit of travel left to do.

It was 3am and Khai and I were sitting on the beach talking shop while the dozen or so tourists we'd brought out for the night danced, and sucked down buckets and raged for all they were worth. We shook hands and promised to stay true to our promises. "I know we'll be great business partners," he said. "Because you know how to sell the dream."

I'm ready to live it. I'm ready to sell it. I just need until May, and then my friend, you can finally take a day off.

To all you readers out there...

Book your tickets. I'll make you a taco. We'll talk story.

29 May 2014

Military Couped Up in Thailand

Last night, like most nights of late, I swayed the time away in the hammock my friend has strung-up just outside his ocean view window. It was well past the military imposed curfew and yet ungentle party beats were thumping across Chaweng Bay. I was watching BBC International. You may have heard that major news stations have been blocked, but that like most rumors floating about is wildly exaggerated.

BBC International has had this young guy on scene since the military coup began. Every day the silver haired tan people in the studio pepper him with questions looking for evidence of fear and violence, and everyday the young guy shrugs his shoulders and tries to find new ways to explain that nobody but nobody is all that worried about it.

The hammock swung and the BBC dude went scrounging for interviews on Khao San Road (the backpacker district of Bangkok). He tried to hit a Pad Thai vendor with the tough stuff, but she just smiled sweetly and explained that she was happy the military had taken over, because now the problems in the city will stop. He wasn't sure what to do with that, so he found some British tourists and asked if they were considering cutting their holiday short. They laughed at him.

You may have seen a video clip of a few dozen people pushing against the soldiers plastic shields and waving anti-coup banners. The reason you keep seeing that same clip on repeat is because that's all they've got. I've been on Koh Samui the whole time, but I know people in Bangkok and the most enduring scene of the military coup so far is giggling girls taking selfies with handsome soldiers.


Not exactly.

We don't have a term that accurately describes what is currently happening in Thailand. Military coups are part of the political cycle here. While wildly undemocratic, they are the way Thai's have reset the political landscape since the 1930's. It would be easy to see the current situation as a powder-keg, and maybe it is, but the wick is made of orchids.

If you soften the language, the connotation softens with it. Here is a more accurate headline:

"Military led stewardship to oversee Thai election and constitution reform."

The military will hand the government back to the people. There will be a new constitution and new elections. And none of this will happen as quickly as the West would like. If elections were held tomorrow the ousted prime minister would win again, and the civil strife that has plagued the country for the last decade would continue burning.

It is a messy political divide, but not overly complicated. In Thai society the totem of power is Buddha, the king and down and away the prime minister. The prime minister is a democratically replaceable entity whose name can never challenge that of the king. Since 2005 the Shinawatra family has been shaking that structure of reverence.

Thaksin Shinwatra build an incredible base of power in the North by appealing to the poor majority and by creating controversial initiatives aimed at improving their way of life. His opponents claim that he bought votes and that his initiatives have been crippling to the economy. Thaksin was exiled, but when the Thai people got the chance to vote again his sister Yingluck won in a landslide.

No private family has ever attained this level of power in Thai politics. The simple answer is to vote them out. Do the work, campaign, raise awareness for other parties, use the system to fix the system. But, here is where things get complicated. The king is old. He is the longest reigning monarch in the world and seen as a near deity here in Thailand. His son is mortal and then some. No one wants succession to happen, and yet eventually it must. The transfer of eras will not be smooth and thus the totem of reverence must be unshakable.

That sweetly smiling Pad Thai vendor in Bangkok expressed the sentiments of many Thai people. Especially those outside of the Shinawatra power base. They wanted a military coup, because a coup means a political reset long past due.

I don't know how or when the coup will end, but here is what I predict. The Shinawatra family will be barred from participating in future elections. The new constitution will look suspiciously like the old constitution. And the military will maintain its presence in Bangkok until the new prime minister is in office and life is humming along nicely.

The totem of reverence is vitally important to the Thai people and will continue to be in the future--because Buddha is immovable and because, I very much doubt the son can erase the greatness of the father. Post-coup there will be a period of peace, but there will also be unhealed wounds. Even with the Shinawatra family removed from the equation the political desires of the city elite and the rural poor are far apart and fixed.

Peace will be tested. And when it is, I hope that the Thai people can trust the reverence in their hearts and allow change to come via the democratic system. A political philosophy that allows the military to take an occasional machine-gun broom to the system is a dangerous gamble no matter how much history says otherwise. After all, even a wick of orchids can wither and ignite.